Insecurity

You’d think I’d have recovered from insecurities by now. I’ve been working on them for what seems like forever. Sincere people who I trust, tell me that they are impressed by all I can do, yet I still feel like I am not that great. I feel the down time that I have is a waste of time. I like to read, and I read a lot of e-books. But, I feel like I should be working on something, rather than reading. I even tried to read and knit the other night. It doesn’t work well.

I woke up three hours early the other day because I had dreamed a way to write something that doesn’t have to be done by me and not even right now. But, I feel that I need to have a say in how it’s written. I don’t have to write it myself, nor does it even have to even resemble what I wrote in the middle of the night. But, I want a part of me in there. I guess that’s it. When I’m gone in 20 or 40 years, I want a part of me to remain here for people to see. It doesn’t even matter that they don’t know it is from me. I guess I just want to count for something.

Oh my, that’s it. My mother always told me I would have to marry a rich man, because I would never amount to anything or be able to take care of myself. She didn’t count my scholastic ability. That meant nothing to her. In fact, that was a negative, because she hated school and left when she was 16 so she could get a job and look for a rich and handsome husband so she would have good looking children. She got what she was looking for. He was good looking and had a lot of money. She had good looking children with him. But, the looks went over time and the money had come from burglaries and other thefts. He also drank, chased women, abused his wife and children, and spent all of his money on himself.

Well, it wasn’t all his money. He had mostly quit criminal activities — at least the stealing — becoming an entrepreneur with small manufacturing, small farming, and small produce stands. Guess who did most of the work? For photographs, he leaned on his hoe in the field of produce we had planted, watered, and nurtured. I didn’t mind the togetherness with my family doing all of those things. It gave me something that almost felt like bonding.

So, where did this blog start. Oh yes, insecurities. I feel less insecure when I am working with others to create something. I guess I still am looking for ……. maybe it is intimacy. I crave togetherness. That’s why I love doing service work. I don’t do it alone. I am with others who know how I feel and who enjoy my abilities and my presence in their lives.

Signing off now. I’ll try to not be gone so long between blogs next time. I might actually get the hang of writing these things. 🙂