Okay, so what does Lord Byron have to do with my recovery journey? Simple. I looked at why Lord Byron’s inability to stand up for himself was irritating me so much and realized that I was like him before I started my journey of recovery.
Lord Byron was a doormat. I was one, too. He worked to solve other people’s problems while his live was drama and chaos. I was the one people called with problems and my life was full of drama and chaos. He was brilliant but really unaware of the fact that he caused his chaotic life. I was considered intelligent and sane and yet was completely unaware that I caused my chaotic life by my choices.
Then I realized that part of my irritation was due to the fact that Byron reminded me of someone I had in my life from the time I was 2 ½ years old until 18 years ago. That’s when I realized I had been seeing that sweet little tow headed little boy that I loved then and not the grown man he had become. The ease in which Lord Byron was manipulated by women reminded me of that little boy grown who had his own manipulator, too, a person who Lord Byron’s female tormentors reminded me of.
It was physical painful for me to read some of the book until realized while writing about the book in my morning pages that it was reminding me about the last day I saw them.
My recovery journey continues with one more layer of remorse and grief to get through regarding that long-ago life and the people that were in it. Because of Byron, I have begun grieving for the little boy that became a man I did not know or trust. I grieve, too, for the years I struggled to understand why my life was out of control and the little girl I was for whom life did not turn out like she thought it would.
I now know that life is what I make it in spite of what happens around me. I welcome the healing power of grieving.
Carole's Morning Writing 